Topic: Working through the Pain

[addicted2dvd]

While chatting with a friend through PMs on this site today... we were talking about the loss of my wife as it is almost the anniversary of her death once again. And she said she thinks I should repost what I wrote a couple years ago. So here is my post from 2 years ago... I did change some things like the number of years it has been and such...


Before I do this let me state this is an attempt to ease what I go through every single year this time of the year. I do not want to make anyone here sad or to feel sorry for me. So if that happens please allow me to apologize now before going on. I just need to work through the heart-ache I feel every year. As in about a week is the 15th anniversary of the death of my wife. Only 6 short weeks after the birth of our daughter.

Some people say there is no such thing as a soul mate... but I disagree. And maybe once you read what I went through you will just maybe decide you were wrong. That is not to say there is only 1 right person for us out there... only that there is one that it just so perfect for you... where everything just clicks so well... that everything is just so easy. That is how it always was with my wife and I.

I first met Dawn, my wife, when I was spending the night over my best friend's house for the first time... as Dawn is the sister of my best friend. I was only 12 years old at the time.. just about to turn 13. That night the 3 of us had a wonderful time together. And to my surprise a couple days later when my friend came into class my friend told me that I made a huge impression on Dawn and she wanted me to call her and get to know each other better. Now with most people that is a sure fire way to destroy a friendship... but all that ever happened between my friend and I was him telling me if I hurt her in any way he would hurt me... and that was the end of it. Even that first talk on the phone was incredible between us... everything just fit perfectly together. Of course at the time I didn't realize how special of a thing this was.

We just grew closer and closer as the years went by. So much so that we were known throughout the high school as "The Couple". By the end of high school I was of course getting nervous as she had several options on colleges to go to. But I was happy to find out she decided on a local college. She claims I had nothing to do with that decision... but I still wonder. Anyway she decided what she wanted to do is nursing and there was a perfectly good school here she could go to right here for the classes she needed. Not long after High School she got her first apartment and even though she wanted me there I decided she should have the experience... at least for a while... to live on her own. After several months we started to talk about me moving in with her. But unfortunately her parents started to have financial problems so we talked about it and we decided to hold off and let her move back in with her parents to help for a while. It actually turned out that she stayed with them for several years while they got things back in order. I was ok with this... as we still saw each other often and we spent many weekends in those years at some nice hotels and such. And when we didn't do that we spent a lot of time at my place. After those several years past I found myself a bigger place and her parents was doing better so I talked to Dawn about moving in with me. And she agreed it was time.

We lived together for a couple wonderful years. It felt like everything was just so right. While living together we talked about wanting to start a family. towards the end of those couple years we started try to have a baby. But it just wasn't happening. We decided not to worry and just let life take it's course... it would happen when it was meant to happen. Then the end of those couple of years we decided the living together was great but we wanted to make it all official and I asked her to marry me. We got married on Nov. 11th of 1994. Just a few short months later we find out that Dawn was pregnant! Life was just falling into place. We both were working... we were starting our family... and Dawn just found a house that was available... so we decided it was time to get out of the apartment and into a house. After all a couple with a child needs more then a 1 bedroom apartment.

Going through the pregnancy I missed nothing... I was there for every one of the important appointments. I was fixing up one of the bedrooms for a nursery. And we were getting closer and closer to the baby arriving. There was one problem. Over the last several years both Dawn and I put on more weight then we should have. But the doctor was not too concerned as it wasn't like she was obese or anything.

It was close to due date. Dawn had a check-up appointment. But this time I couldn't get off work. She told me not to worry about it. That it isn't like I wasn't there for her when she needed me. That this one is nothing important. It was basically to check on her as she had developed gestational diabetes a month earlier. So I went on to work and she to the doctor's office. I got a call at work that the doctor found some alarming issues in her. I forget what those were now... but it was serious enough that they wanted her to go to a specialist in Baltimore... which is a good 3 hour drive from here. Unfortunately I just could not get out of work. I felt terrible as I felt I needed to be there for her. I was ready to quite and walk out on my job... but she talked me out of it as this was just one day and we would need me working to support us all. So I reluctantly agreed. When I got off work... I get home to find our good friends... a couple we met at the apartment building we used to live at waiting in the driveway for me to get home. Dawn had called them... knowing I would be worried sick about her. And they were there to spend time with me and try to get my mind off her a little.

After my friends and I ate dinner... we went to the living room and popped a movie in the VCR.  I couldn't tell you what movie it was... as my mind really wasn't on it.The next thing I knew is the phone rang. It was Dawn. She was calling from the hospital. She said that since they didn't want her driving herself to Baltimore they arranged for her to go by ambulance. Well... that bumpy ambulance ride had put Dawn into labor! I was about to become a father and I was going to miss it!?!?! I don't drive so I couldn't just go up there myself. But our friends said Like Hell you are! I was already off the phone... so Dawn had no idea but... our friends helped me put a bag together for myself and I grabbed Dawn's bag and we headed off on that 3 hour drive. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck that whole ride.

When I walked into Dawn's room late that night... actually early morning as it was between 1 and 2 am. I was surprised to see Dawn up. But she was... and the look on her face when she saw me walk in... with our friends just behind me. There was tears in her eyes and a huge smile on her face. The doctor walked in a couple minutes later... and we were told there was some fairly serious complications and that if they didn't get things straight they would have to do a C-Section. But they were trying some medications and needed until morning before they said for sure.

The next morning they inform us that they will indeed need to do a C-Section. That they feared for Dawn's life if they attempted to get her to do it naturally. First thing I asked was if I could still be in the room during a C-Section. They said yes... but if a complication occurs I would have to leave.

The time comes... and we take Dawn to the operation room. A nurse brings me to a changing area where I put on the scrubs... and I mean the works... from a scrub hat on my head to booties over my shoes. I walk into the operation room where I see Dawn laying on the table... a chair near her head for me... and a small curtain like thing so that I do not see the operation. I was told that as long as I sat there I will not see anything... but if I felt I could take it I was free to stand and see all. I didn't get the chance to stand as Dawn remained awake for the operation... and she was scared so she needed me there.

A few minutes into the operation Dawn was complaining that she was feeling pain. She shouldn't have been feeling anything! Her blood pressure started to rise... there was a problem so a nurse took me out of the room as they completely put Dawn asleep. The nurse told me not to panic as the doctor can have the baby out in less then a minute and they can then concentrate on Dawn.

I was pacing back and forth at the doorway to the operation room I couldn't hear a thing... for what seemed like forever was nothing but silence. Then I heard it... the cry of my daughter. A warm feeling just rushed through me... but I was still scared to death for Dawn.

A few minutes later a nurse came out to talk to me. Told me there was a slight problem... that Brittany (my daughter) didn't want to take that first breathe. Behind her I see my baby daughter being rolled out in this big plastic box attached to all kinds of wires and such. The nurse continued to say they stabilized Dawn... and the doctor will be with me as soon as possible... until then she would take me to see my new daughter. In the ICU nursery I was able to see Brittany... and to hold her little hand and talk to her... but I was unable to pick her up and hold her the way I wanted so badly to do.

Before I knew it the doctor was there to talk to me. I was still really pretty much in shock but I gave him all the attention I had to give. But it boiled down to some complications and they needed to keep both Brittany (about a week) and Dawn (a couple weeks) in the hospital. And said moving them to a local hospital is just not an option at this time. There was no way I would be able to stay in Baltimore for that long!

When Dawn woke she asked me to go on home. She appreciated that I came and wish I could be there... but there was no way we could see making it work. After some discussion between me, her and our friends it was finally decided I would go back home and finish getting the house ready for their return. The nurse gave me a toll free number I could call any time... as many times per day I wanted to see how my daughter is doing. and I of course had the number to Dawn's room as well and before I knew it we were on our way home.

Even though they found Brittany to be growing strong in no time at all they allowed for her to stay until Dawn was released since it was such a long trip for us. So I spent 2 weeks on my own without Dawn and without my daughter. only getting to hold my daughter's little hand... not being able to pick her up before leaving.

Finally that 2 weeks was over. Dawn could do very little. so I was taking as good of care as I could of both Dawn and Brittany! I was so happy to finally be able to pick up my daughter! Dawn was getting stronger by the day. Once a few weeks has past she was pretty much back to her normal self. Dawn said it was about time to go back to work. I was against it... only been 5 weeks since Brittany was born. But she was adamant about going back to work. There was just no stopping her.

After a week back to work Dawn was really tired one night and wanted to lay down early... I of course told her to go lay down and I will take care of Brittany while she slept. Unfortunately I feel asleep late that night while watching TV.... but I was woken early the next morning to Britt's cry. I get up and lay my hand on her chest. Britt instantly stopped crying. And in the silence I hear strange gasping for air in the next room. Dawn was unconscious gasping for air and I could not wake her. I called 911 and tried to perform CPR as they instructed while waiting for the ambulance. It seems to me that Britt went back to sleep as to my memory she didn't cry any longer. When the ambulance arrived they made me get out of the room and out of their way so I called my mother to tell her what was happening... she said she would call Dawn's mother for me... and minutes later my brother was walking into the house. Just as they were taking Dawn into the ambulance. We called my mother again to be sure that Dawn's parents were on the way to the hospital. got the baby together... dropped her off with my mother and off to the hospital we went.

As soon as I got there they brought me into a private waiting room with my family and Dawn's parents. My heart was telling me this is not good. The next thing we knew a doctor came in to tell us that we lost Dawn. It felt like my whole world was coming to an end. After getting ourselves together my brother and I both started to make phone calls. My brother called our mother... and I called our good friends... the one that took me to see Dawn in Baltimore. The next thing I knew I was in a room with Dawn saying a goodbye that I just was not ready to say! I mean she was only 26 years old! This isn't supposed to happen! Then before I knew it I was walking into my mother's house... not even remembering how I got out of the room with Dawn or how I got home. As soon as I walked in the door my mother was in my arms... both of us crying as hard as you could possibly cry. That is when my mother said I was to come home with Brittany so she could help me. I agreed as I didn't want to go back to that house. A house that I thought was my future now needed to be part of my past.

While going through some of Dawn's stuff I find paperwork and info that Dawn had hidden from me. She told by the doctor in Baltimore that she was not to go back to work for at least a year. But she somehow hid this info from everyone. Her work helping others was just too important to her. And she obviously thought nothing would happen.

It is now almost 15 years later. And to this day... even though the pain is not what it was 15 years ago... I still feel it strong. To this day I have never had another girlfriend. Never been with another woman. To this day I still feel like I would be cheating on the love of my life. Today I have to say I always loved you Dawn... and I always will. I know she wouldn't have wanted me to be alone. But I have to do what feels right for me. And to this point I haven't felt anything that made me feel like seeking another. I am not against something if it happens.... but it is not something I will go looking for.

If any of you read all of that... God Bless you. But just know that What I need to do here is for therapeutic purposes. I am not trying to make anyone sad... and not looking for sympathy. Feel free to comment if you like. But not expecting anything here other then to let it all out.

I hope you all don't mind me using the forum for such a purpose. And I apologize for bringing it to the forum.


I believe that is the post you were talking about. Needless to say... since this happened right before Christmas... the holiday isn't what it used to be for me. But I still do my best to enjoy it... for both Brittany and myself. Though I do admit... it is not easy sometimes.

[Kathy]

The story of Pete and Dawn always fills my heart with wonder.

My thoughts are with you as this anniversary nears.

[kahless]

Pete, I thank you that you bring that to the forum - very much appreciated!
My daughter is at the same age as yours and I know exactly what you are talking about! You, Pete open my eyes what is really important in life! thank you for this!

[Blair]

You are not alone, and you will never be alone Pete.  You have a wonderful, beautiful daughter who shares the family blood and a piece of your wife's soul; you have family and friends who care about you, even when their interests for you may clash with your own personal views; and The Lord is watching over you hoping to ease your pain.

There is no greater pain than the loss of one who you loved so much. While some others may see it as foolish that you (meaning anyone) cannot "move on" in a more timely matter (as if there is supposed to be a time limit for grief), everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.


The wonderful memories that you shared with her and the ability to look into your daughter's eyes as a reminder are proof that your wife is still with you in spirit, and if that is all that you need, that is all that matters.

[Mustrum_Ridcully]

And I apologize for bringing it to the forum.

Definitely no need to apologize.
When the pain is to deep do whatever it needs to ease it.

Wish I could do more to help you, but in fact all I can do from here is ... nothing, except for feeling with you.
Give Britt a hug and tell her you love her and that we all love the both of you ... really

[Najemikon]

My very best to you and Britt, Pete. Life can be very cruel, but I'm proud to be part of this forum if you feel we can help in some small way, just by sharing.

[addicted2dvd]

I appreciate all the kind thoughts everyone. Yeah... I still go through a bit of a depression this time of year. But other then that it really isn't that bad. I have worked through the main grieving. It is just something that I imagine I will always go through this time of the year.

[Critter]

My thoughts are also with you this time of year Pete, both you and Brittany.

[Rogmeister]

Pete, I knew you had lost your wife some time ago but I have never read the entire story.  I am very sorry for your loss and I know this cana be a trying time.  I actually lost my mother a week before Christmas 9 years ago.  Best wishes to you.

[hal9g]

As a wise person once said, no one is truly gone as long as they are remembered!

Clearly, Dawn is remembered by many and lives in their (and your) hearts.

Focus on the great times you had instead of the sorrow of separation.

I hope you and Brittany enjoy the holidays just the same.

[Achim]

You must have loved your wife very, very much, as the pain is apparently still almost the same as 15 years ago. It is still very sad that you had to loose Dawn so early and that she couldn't see her daughter growing up.

I have said it before, like Silence, you bever have to apologize for bringing this here. It's the one thing I enjoy in this forum, that we are always there for each other during some dark days of our lives.

I wish you all the best and that you get to enjoy the holidays as good as possible.

[Sanuye]

Your story always brings tears to my eyes, as I know how you feel... but in the same time I thank you because I feel less alone.
For me is when the days grew longer, the flowers blossom... I find it difficult to let the warmth of Spring inside my heart.

 

[Dragonfire]

There is no reason for you to be sorry for posting about this.

[addicted2dvd]

Thanks for all the comments... will just be working through a bit of a depression over the next couple weeks. But that will pass... always does.

[addicted2dvd]

Well Today is the day... 15 years ago today my wife passed away. Just 6 short weeks after the birth of Brittany. Between being a bit depressed about this... and concern for my sister-in-law (which we haven't heard anything about since I last posted)... I have a feeling this won't be the best of days.