Words of wisdom from George Carlin.
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
- A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
- Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
- I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
- I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
- You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
- Honesty may! be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
- The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to ! thems elves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
- Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
- The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
- You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
- By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as! suggestions.
- I think it’s the duty of the comedia! n to fin d out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
- Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
- I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
- I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
- I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
- So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
- Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
- Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
- I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
- One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
- What year did Jesus think it was?
- Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
- In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
- Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
- “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an add! ict.
- Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
- The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
- The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
- The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
- Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
- The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. - Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
- And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
- Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
- Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
- The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
- Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- “No comment” is a comment.
- If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
- You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
- So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
- Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
- When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
- The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
- I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
- Hooray for most things!
- Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
- I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
- It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
All material written and owned by George Carlin. Rest in peace and hope you have 'em all laughing wherever you are now like you did when you were here.
